


An Unexpected Courtship

by hchollym



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Angst, Courtship, Cultural Differences, Dwarf Courting, First Love, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Insecurity, Jealousy, M/M, Miscommunication, Misunderstandings, One-Sided Relationship, Prude Dwarves, References to Suicide, Unrequited Love, WIP, mentions of mpreg
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-11-18
Updated: 2013-12-02
Packaged: 2018-01-01 23:44:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 19,051
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1049991
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hchollym/pseuds/hchollym
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Due to a cultural misunderstanding, Bilbo accidentally accepts an offer of courtship from Kili and has no choice but to go through with it. While Bilbo is less than thrilled about this turn of events, things never do turn out how you expect them to. Angst and fluff. WIP.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Cultural Misunderstandings

**Author's Note:**

> I’ve wanted to write a courtship multi-chapter story for a while, so I finally decided to start, and it ended up being Bilbo/Kili. There will probably be more pairings added later, but Bilbo/Kili is the main focus. A few quick notes:  
> +This is a mixture of the movie and the book. It will have a Fix-It of the BOFA where nobody dies, but other than that, it is mostly canon with only a slight deviation.  
> +Since it is canon that dwarves only marry once and are very jealous, I took it a step further in this story and assumed that dwarves are prude and conservative when it comes to sex. That being said, there will eventually be a sex scene, which is why the story has the 'Explicit' rating, but it will not be until quite a bit further into the story.  
> +Also, even though Gandalf pretends to be sympathetic to Bilbo in this, I wrote him in the mindset that he secretly ships Kilbo and thinks the courtship will be good for Bilbo, which is why he doesn't help him more to get out of it.  
> +Emeralds represent love and romance.  
> +Comments are always lovely!

Rivendell was beautiful, and while most of the dwarves had complained about being in the company of elves, Bilbo Baggins was quite thrilled to be there. The gardens were truly a remarkable sight, and Bilbo couldn’t wait to explore their library, as it was said to be one of the largest in the world. 

The company had arrived earlier that day and was now waiting for dinner to be ready in the large room that Lord Elrond had provided for them. He had offered them all separate rooms, but Thorin had declined. Apparently, he thought that they should all stay together in case the elves turned on them. Bilbo was highly annoyed by his distrust as he would have much preferred his own room again, but he stayed silent to avoid angering the already grouchy king. 

Their room was larger than all of Bag End with a balcony that had a gorgeous view of the river. Most of the company was seated around the fire, laughing and joking merrily, but Bilbo was on that balcony, looking over the ledge at the amazing view before him. There were no words to accurately describe how amazing Rivendell was, but Bilbo would describe it as ethereal. 

Kili shyly approached him. When Bilbo turned to look at him, the dark-haired dwarf unsheathed his dagger and presented it to the hobbit. His hands were trembling, and Bilbo regarded him with curiosity. 

“I know that you found a sword in the trolls’ cave, but I would like for you to have one of my daggers as well, if you’ll accept it.” 

By this time, everyone else in the room had noticed the exchange and was watching in silent shock and interest, though luckily, the two at the center of the attention did not notice it yet. 

Bilbo looked from the dagger to the nervous, hopeful expression on Kili’s face, and he felt flattered and confused at the same time. 

“Are you sure you want me to have this?” He asked gently. It would come in handy to have a dagger too, just in case, but he didn’t want to take something that Kili needed himself.

Kili bit his lip and nodded. Bilbo smiled warmly at him, grateful for the offer. Aside from Kili’s teasing, he had been kind to Bilbo from the very beginning, and he was one of the only dwarves that didn’t seem to think that Bilbo was completely worthless; at least, if he did, he didn’t show it. 

He would often walk by the hobbit during the journey and engage him in conversations that helped distract him from his sore muscles and hungry stomach. It was very kind of Kili to offer Bilbo one of his own weapons to use, and Bilbo was touched by his generosity. 

“Then I will be happy to accept it. Thank you.” He took the dagger and admired the intricate pattern of arrows and bows on the handle. It was no doubt crafted specifically for Kili. The younger dwarf positively beamed at him as his eyes danced with joy. He bowed lightly before walking away with the same happy expression on his face.

Bilbo smiled at his retreating form, but he was suddenly aware that everyone in the room was staring at him, and most of the dwarves were whispering amongst themselves. Kili was engaged in an animated discussion with Fili, and the blonde looked pleased and relieved at something. This struck Bilbo as odd, but then again, so did quite a few of the things that dwarves did. 

He tucked the dagger away carefully as he made his way to the door. Dinner would be ready by now, and Bilbo was starving. Before he could reach the door, Balin blocked his path. 

“Congratulations, Bilbo!” He clapped him on the back, and the hobbit smiled at him in confusion. 

“Oh, um, thanks?” Was the dagger that big of a deal? Perhaps it meant that he was finally accepted as part of the company. Yes, he mused, that must be it. 

“So when are you going to braid his hair?” Bilbo blinked in surprise, pondering the question. It occurred to him that dwarves must braid each other’s hair to say thank you.

Again, it seemed quite a strange way to go about it, but Bilbo certainly didn’t want to offend Kili, especially after his kindness. It was only polite to thank him as soon as possible, but it would take time to braid his hair, and Bilbo’s stomach was growling. 

“Right after dinner,” he told Balin. He knew his mother would be appalled that he was waiting so long, but almost everyone else had already left the room to eat. 

Balin seemed caught off guard and spluttered for a moment. Once he regained his composure, he smiled widely and nodded his head in approval. 

“Excellent. I’m happy to hear it.” Bilbo returned the smile, feeling like this was quite a big deal to make over a dagger, but the last thing he wanted to do was undermine the dwarves’ show of friendship. 

Balin began to walk again, but a thought occurred to Bilbo and he pulled the older dwarf back. “Wait, how many braids am I supposed to put in?” Balin looked at him curiously before he simply shook his head in amusement. 

“Just one is fine, laddie.” Balin realized that Bilbo didn’t know the specifics of their culture yet, so he continued, “And you can put it anywhere in his hair that you like. You’ll have to pick out a bead to put in it as well. Most dwarves put one of their own in, but since you don’t have any, you can pick a new one out.” 

He led the hobbit over to where his bag was and pulled out a small pouch. He emptied it onto his hand to reveal a couple dozen beads in various designs and colors. 

“Dwarves always bring extra beads on our quests in case some of ours break or get lost.” Bilbo nodded and looked at them, considering each one carefully before he picked up one that was emerald colored. He thought it would bring out Kili’s eyes, and by the way Balin looked pleasantly surprised, Bilbo assumed he was right. 

During dinner, he kept catching Fili, Bofur, Thorin and Dori staring at him, but when he returned their gaze, they would all quickly look away. He frowned in confusion but said nothing. He suddenly began to worry that he hadn’t thanked Kili quickly enough. Perhaps he should have done so before they ate after all. He didn’t want to offend Lord Elrond by being late to dinner, but now the other dwarves probably thought him rude. 

He felt guilty and tried to shrink away from their gazes, but Kili didn’t seem to be offended in the least. He kept looking at Bilbo and smiling with a bright blush coloring his cheeks. Bilbo mused that it looked rather cute on him, though he did wonder what put it there. He was quickly distracted from these thoughts when Bofur started to sing and the dwarves threw their food across the room as Bilbo watched their lack of manners in embarrassment and horror. 

When the dinner was over, Bilbo thanked Lord Elrond and silently hoped that elves didn’t have a special method of saying ‘thank you’ like the dwarves did. He would have to ask Gandalf later. The wizard had left the company to their own devices as he spoke with Lord Elrond after their arrival, and he seemed to be continuing that conversation now. The two walked in the opposite direction of the company as the dwarves went back to their room. 

Kili and Fili sat down next to each other as the blonde began to sharpen his own dagger. Kili was talking excitedly with his brother, but his mouth snapped shut when Bilbo approached him and a look of confusion and slight anxiety appeared on the dwarf’s face. Bilbo almost laughed. He may be a hobbit, but he wasn’t that bad at braiding! Certainly not bad enough for Kili to be worried. 

However, Bilbo felt himself growing anxious as everyone stopped talking and looked at him. Was he supposed to do this in private? He silently cursed himself for not asking Balin, but he assumed this would be fine since Kili had given him the dagger in public. He stopped in front of the brothers and tried to ignore the eyes burning into him from every direction. 

“Um, Kili, I’d like to, well, what I mean is, can I braid your hair?” He knew his voice sounded timid, and he heard several of the dwarves gasp in shock.

Fili’s eyebrows rose as high as they could go on his forehead, and Kili’s eyes went wide before a huge smile broke out on his face, and he was practically bouncing in excitement. He nodded enthusiastically, and Bilbo breathed a sigh of relief that Kili wasn’t angry at him for taking so long to properly thank him. 

The hobbit sat down next to the young dwarf and took a strand of his hair in his fingers. His hands were trembling as he began braiding it, everyone’s eyes still plastered on him. Kili seemed almost giddy next to Bilbo and it managed to calm the hobbit in the slightest. He mused that Kili was rather adorable, much like a puppy. 

When he had finished the braid, he pulled the bead out of his coat pocket and clasped it into place, regarding his work with a proud grin. It wasn’t fantastic, but it was pretty good for a hobbit, especially considering how nerve-wracking it had been with everyone watching him. He stood up and nodded to Kili. 

“Right, well, thank you.” He knew that he was essentially repeating himself, but he couldn’t help it. It felt strange not to verbalize his thanks. 

As soon as he started to walk away, everyone in the room began to whisper to each other furiously, making wild gestures and speaking in Khuzdul. Fili and Kili had their heads bowed together and were speaking in hushed voices, but both of them looked very pleased, though Kili more so. He looked like a child who had just been given his birthday present early, and the sight was so endearing that Bilbo couldn’t help but smile. 

That is, until Thorin barked out, “Burlgar, come with me.” He stalked out of the room and Bilbo gulped. This didn’t seem good. The king was intimidating, and Bilbo was tempted to ignore the command, but he knew that doing so would most definitely be unwise. Seeing no other choice, he sighed and nervously followed the king out of the door and down the hall. Thorin stopped at the balcony, and Bilbo tensed but did the same. 

“Are you aware that Kili is my sister-son?” Bilbo blinked, not expecting the question, and then shook his head. He hadn’t known that, but he supposed he shouldn’t be too surprised. Fili and Kili did share quite a resemblance to Thorin. The dwarf regarded Bilbo with narrowed eyes before he continued. 

“You should also know that I am very protective of him and Fili. Should you hurt him or pressure him to do anything that he doesn’t want to do, I will consider you my enemy, and I can assure you that you do not want that.” Bilbo gaped at his words. He had no idea what Thorin was talking about but he was offended by the implication. 

“Wh, well, I would never!” Thorin nodded in satisfaction, though his eyes still seemed accusing. He walked away, leaving Bilbo staring after him in shock and confusion. What the hell was going on? He was suddenly regretting going on a quest with a bunch of dwarves whose culture was so different from his own. He was in way over his head with this. 

Gandalf appeared by his side then, his eyebrows raised and a curious expression on his face. “What was that about?” Bilbo threw his hands up. 

“I have no idea! Gandalf, you never mentioned how different the dwarves’ culture is from hobbits’. I had no idea that I was supposed to braid someone’s hair to thank them. It was lucky that Balin told me or I would have seemed incredibly rude to all of them!” Gandalf frowned at his statement. 

“What do you mean you braid someone’s hair to thank them?” Bilbo sighed and told Gandalf about everything that had occurred since Kili gave Bilbo the dagger. All the while, Gandalf’s frown deepened until Bilbo finished talking. The look on the wizard’s face was far from comforting, and once again, Bilbo felt like he had managed to mess up. 

“What is it? Did I do something wrong?” Gandalf sighed.

“I’m afraid there has been a cultural misunderstanding. You see, when a dwarf offers someone a weapon that belongs to them, it is a declaration of their intent to court you. If you accept the weapon, then you signify that you are accepting their offer of courtship.” Bilbo gaped and spluttered unintelligibly, desperately trying to wrap his mind around what the wizard had just told him. It couldn’t be. Gandalf ignored Bilbo’s reaction and continued. 

“The next step in the courtship is for the one who was propositioned to braid the other’s hair. It is a way of letting them know where they stand in their intended’s mind. If you braid their hair on the second day, it means you already care for them in a romantic sense; the third day means you care for them as a friend; and anything after the third day means you have no feelings for them yet.” Bilbo processed the words, feeling the dread begin to creep in. 

“I braided his hair on the same day.” He looked imploringly at Gandalf. The wizard nodded, though his expression was unreadable. 

“Yes. That is the equivalent of saying you already love him.” With that, Bilbo fainted, much in the same way he had on the first night when the dwarves had shown up at Bag End.

When he came to, Gandalf was standing over him, shaking his head in either annoyance or worry; Bilbo wasn’t sure which. He groaned and sat up, before he felt the panic overtake him again. 

“Gandalf, I just told Kili that I loved him! What am I going to do?” He wanted to run inside and just explain that it had all been a misunderstanding, but how cruel was that? To make someone think you love them and then tell them it was a mistake. He flinched at the thought. If someone had done that to him, he would have been more than a little hurt, and he definitely didn’t want to do that to Kili. Gandalf looked at him with sad eyes, and Bilbo knew this was very, very bad. 

“I’m afraid that you can’t back out now. Even though it was a misunderstanding, you did accept Kili’s offer for courtship and respond with your, well, with your feelings,” he coughed at this, but continued, “It is against the dwarves’ law to back out of a courtship once you have accepted it. It is a sign of utmost disrespect, and Kili’s family would have every right to kill you for it.” 

Bilbo paled. Kill him? He thought of Fili and Thorin, and he felt sick to his stomach. Even if the blonde dwarf didn’t kill him, Bilbo was fairly certain that Thorin would. The king already hated him as it was, and this was not helping matters. 

“Of course, I will not let him kill you while I am here, but I cannot stay with you for the entire quest, and you signed the contract saying that you would see it through until the end.” He looked apologetic, and Bilbo tried to be angry at the wizard for roping him into this adventure in the first place, but he was too overwhelmed to focus on that. 

“So I have to marry him?” Gandalf shook his head vehemently. 

“No, of course not, my dear Bilbo. The last stage of the courtship is the proposal, at which point you can either accept or reject it.” Bilbo nodded, feeling rather sick to his stomach. 

“So I basically have to lead him on so that his uncle doesn’t kill me?” He shot out bitterly. This wasn’t fair to him or Kili. He cursed the stupid dwarves’ laws. 

“I’m afraid so. Though perhaps you will not be leading him on.” Bilbo furrowed his brow is confusion and stared at the wizard. 

“What do you mean?” Gandalf shrugged nonchalantly. 

“Perhaps you will find that you enjoy being courted by Kili and even fall in love with him.” The mischievous twinkle was back in his eyes, and Bilbo didn’t like it one bit. 

He was doubtful, but he supposed it was possible. It wasn’t as if Kili was the worse dwarf he could have accidentally accepted a courtship from. He was certainly good looking and funny, but he was also so young and it made Bilbo feel uneasy. 

“So there is no way around this?” He asked in a last-stitch effort. Gandalf pondered this for a moment, and Bilbo felt a spark of hope. 

“Well, there is one way. You can’t end the courtship, but Kili can. By accepting his offer, you agreed to give Kili the chance to prove himself to you, but not the other way around. It doesn’t happen often, but it is possible for the one who started the courtship to end it early if extenuating circumstances lead them to realize that you are not who they thought you were.” 

This seemed incredibly unfair to Bilbo, but it could work in his favor. If he could convince Kili that he wasn’t good enough for him, then Kili would end the courtship, and they could put this unfortunate incident behind them. 

He just had to make Kili lose interest, as absurd as it sounded, but he couldn’t do anything too obvious, otherwise everyone would know exactly what he was trying to do, and that would defeat the purpose. He would have to find subtle ways to make Kili change his mind. In the meantime, he just had to continue with the courtship.

This seemed like a solid plan to Bilbo. What could possibly go wrong?


	2. Kili's Side

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kili's side of the journey so far.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow! I cannot believe all the encouragement and feedback that I got from the last chapter. I am truly grateful for all the support, and I'm glad that people are enjoying it so far! A few quick notes:  
> +You are all going to hate me for this, but I didn’t start the courtship in this chapter. I wanted to go back and start from the beginning with Kili’s perspective, so you could see where his feelings were coming from. It will make future chapters seem so much more angsty, in my opinion. I promise the actual courtship and interactions will start in the next chapter!  
> +As I re-read this, it occurs to me that Kili’s jealousy seems borderline dark. I didn’t intend for it to be that way. Since it’s canon for dwarves to be very jealous with their partners, I just saw Kili’s jealousy as normal for his race. Kili is not going to be creepy or stalkerish in this story, I promise.   
> +During the scene where Bilbo, Fili, and Kili are spying on the trolls from behind the tree, Bilbo actually puts his hand on the tree branch, but it looks a hell of a lot like he put it on Fili’s arm, so I went with that instead.  
> +Comments are always lovely <3

There was something special about Bilbo Baggins. Kili had noticed it from the moment he opened the door to Bag End. The fussy little creature was so uptight, yet he had a sarcastic wit and stubbornness about him that intrigued Kili greatly. His hairless, smooth skin was different from the dwarves that Kili was accustomed to, but somehow, it suited him. 

His golden curls framed his face and looked so soft that Kili wanted to run his fingers through it. His eyes were innocent, but there was darkness there; some inner pain that he tried to hide that made Kili desperate to know everything there was to know about the hobbit. He had stiffened when Bilbo opened the door and his eyes had widened just a little. Fili could sense it, but he kept his cocky smirk in place and introduced himself first, giving Kili an extra second to collect his thoughts. 

He knew it was immature to call Bilbo by the wrong last name, and then proceed to wipe his feet on his mother’s jewelry box, but the young dwarf couldn’t help it. He wanted to get a rise out of him; he wanted his attention. He added a compliment into his teasing about how nice Bilbo’s home was, which was true. It was quaint and cozy, and Kili already felt comfortable there. 

Throughout the night, he kept sneaking glances at Bilbo, watching as he fussed about the place in agitation. His brother noticed and kept smirking at him, but Kili ignored it. Still, he wasn’t entirely surprised when Fili decided to tease the poor little burglar by throwing one of his plates to Kili. The younger dwarf happily played along, because Bilbo was now quite flustered and spluttering, his cheeks becoming an adorable shade of red out of annoyance and anger. 

Kili started the song in the hopes that Bilbo would loosen up and laugh, and he was disappointed when he didn’t. He wasn’t sure why the hobbit affected him so; just that he did. He’d never felt this way about anyone before, and he had only just met him. It was like he was being pulled to Bilbo by some unknown force; like they were two pieces of a puzzle. It was exciting, yet scary at the same time. 

Then Thorin arrived, and Kili felt his heart sink at the look of awe that Bilbo sent his uncle, but he tried to focus on what was being said. When he realized that Thorin was insulting the poor hobbit already, he was torn between relief and indignation on Bilbo’s behalf. Poor Bilbo looked so offended by the insult that Kili shot him what he hoped was a reassuring smile. 

During the meeting, the company managed to make their quest sound downright impossible, and there was no way that Bilbo was going to join them with that impression. He partially wondered if they were doing it on purpose to scare the hobbit. He was grateful to Fili for bringing back some optimism to the otherwise negative discussion, and Kili piped in about having Gandalf with them, hoping to sooth some of Bilbo’s worries. But then, Bofur had to go and scare the poor hobbit to death with his detailed description of Smaug. 

When he fainted, Kili was the first to go to his side, ignoring the raised eyebrows and smirks that he was getting from the rest of the company. He lifted him up, marveling at how light he felt in his arms, and placed him onto his bed. The lines of annoyance and worry were gone from his face and his lips were parted just lightly. He looked peaceful. 

Kili found himself entranced, and he lost himself in the sight until Gandalf cleared his throat. He whipped his head around to see the wizard giving him an amused smile; a mischievous twinkle evident in his eyes. Kili blushed deeply and mumbled something about ‘just trying to help’ before he went back out to the company. Fili teased him mercilessly, but most of the others were polite enough to leave it alone. 

He felt an emptiness spreading inside him as he realized that Bilbo would probably not accompany them on the quest. He was slow to leave the next morning, and he kept shooting glances back in the direction of Bag End as they rode away, hoping against hope that Bilbo would change his mind. 

"You okay?" Fili asked him. He swallowed and nodded, but he didn't feel okay. He felt like he had left a piece of his heart behind, and he wanted it back. He felt the last sparks of hope dwindling as he heard the voice. 

“Wait!” His heart stopped, and he whipped around to see Bilbo running towards them with the contract. He grinned as his heart swelled with joy. Now he would have a chance to unravel the mystery that was Bilbo Baggins. 

However, he was less than thrilled when Bofur gave Bilbo a part of his shirt to use a handkerchief. He didn’t like the flirting-tone that he heard in the toymaker’s voice one bit. He nudged his pony forward to ride beside Bilbo. 

"Hello, Mr. Boggins," he grinned. He could feel Fili roll his eyes behind him as Bilbo scoffed. 

"It's Baggins, Kili, but call me Bilbo." Something in him stirred when Bilbo said his name, like a fire spreading inside his him. 

"Bilbo." As he tried out the hobbit’s name, he marveled at how perfect it felt on his tongue, like some delicious, rare food that he was tasting for the first time. "Why did you decide to go on this quest after all?" Bilbo pondered the question as he sneezed again, and the sound was adorable. 

"I suppose part of the reason was because of the song you all sang last night. It was filled with so much sadness and longing that it spoke to me." Kili stayed silent, feeling stunned and pleased that it was their song that had affected him so much. Most others cared nothing for the troubles or sufferings of dwarves. Unaware of the surge of affection that Kili was feeling, Bilbo continued. 

"And the other part of the reason would be the lure of adventure. That's the Took in me," he confessed. Kili cocked his head to the side in contemplation. 

"What's a Took?" Bilbo glanced at him and smiled. 

"That's my mother's side of the family. There a bit of a wild and adventurous bunch." Most of the day passed with Kili asking about hobbits and the shire, which Bilbo seemed just as happy to talk about as Kili was to listen. As he spoke with such fondness about the Shire, Kili found himself tempted to call it his home as well. Life seemed so simple and peaceful there. 

Bilbo asked him about Erebor, which Kili eagerly told him about. He hadn’t been born yet when Erebor fell, but his mother and uncle had told him plenty of stories that Kili knew by heart, and he couldn’t wait to go there himself. Bilbo listened in fascination, and it made Kili grin with pride. 

He was talking excitedly and waving his hands around in animated gestures, and when Bilbo laughed at something he said, he felt his heart flutter. Never had he heard a sound so perfect before, and he bit his lip and looked away with a blush. Thankfully, Bilbo didn't notice, but Kili resolved to do everything he could to see that smile and hear that laugh again. 

As Thorin led the company, trying to ignore the obvious adoration that Kili had for the hobbit, Dwalin rode up beside him, chuckling. "It seems that Kili has taken a shining to our burglar." 

Thorin grumbled and shot him a glare. He was not pleased with the situation. For one, Kili didn't need to be distracted from the quest, and two, Kili was his heir and could certainly do better than a soft, weak hobbit. 

At dinner that night, Kili went to sit down by Bilbo but found that Bofur had beat him to it. He fumed and resorted to glaring at the other dwarf from across the fire. Kili was no doubt better than the toymaker; for starters, he was royalty, but he was also younger, stronger, and better looking. Still, Bofur had Bilbo laughing and relaxed, and Kili knew that he couldn't rule him out as competition. Fili nudged him to stop looking at the pair, so he grudgingly glared into the fire instead. 

He was on watch later, but his gaze was drawn to Bilbo as he tossed and turned. When he sat up in aggravation, his hair was tousled and tangled, and damn if that wasn’t one of the sexiest sights that Kili had ever seen.

He couldn’t help but tease him about orcs, which Fili went along with eagerly. Teasing the hobbit was far too much fun. When he seemed genuinely worried, Kili was about to tell Bilbo that he would protect him when Thorin cut in, scolding them for their immaturity. He flushed with embarrassment that Thorin had reprimanded him in front of Bilbo, and he pouted, his ego bruised. 

As Balin retold some of Thorin’s history, Kili focused on Bilbo’s face. He had already heard his uncle’s story plenty of times, but Bilbo’s face ranged from awe to admiration, and Kili felt his stomach churn and his eyes narrow. When Thorin stood before them looking so damn majestic, Kili had the urge to throw something at him. 

He instantly lowered his head in shame at the thought. Not only was Thorin their king, and a great one at that, but he was also Kili's uncle. He had practically raised him and Fili after their father had died, and he deserved better than Kili's petty jealousy. 

The next morning, Kili sat down next to Bilbo at breakfast before Bofur had the chance. Fili sat on his other side with an amused smirk on his face. "So Bilbo, why aren't you married?" 

He wanted to make sure that Bilbo’s heart wasn’t already spoken for, but surely he wouldn’t have agreed to go on their quest if he had someone waiting back home. Several of the dwarves spluttered in outrage at his question which was far too personal and actually rather rude. 

"Kili," his brother exclaimed in horror. He sighed and apologized. He hadn’t meant to offend Bilbo. He supposed he should have worded it better though. Bilbo actually seemed the least offended by the question out of everyone, and he merely shrugged. 

"It's alright. I don't mind answering. I've had my share of dalliances in my youth, but nothing ever felt quite right. Then, after my parent’s passed, everyone only wanted to marry me for my money or good name. You see, the Baggins are one of the most respected families in the Shire. I didn't want to marry for such shallow reasons, so I guess I just gave up." 

Kili blinked in surprise and felt a wave of compassion rush through him. As happy as he was that Bilbo wasn't married, he still felt bad for him. He knew what it was like to always have people using you, never knowing who was really there for you and who was just there for your name. 

"I can relate to that." Bilbo blinked up at him curiously. 

"Really?" Kili nodded and swallowed. He wasn’t ready to tell Bilbo that he was Thorin’s nephew yet, so he skirted around that fact in his explanation. 

"I mean, I'm not wealthy or anything, at least not until we reclaim Erebor, but my family is one of nobility, so most people only want to marry me or be my friend for my position." Bilbo looked at Kili as if seeing him through a new light; as a kindred spirit instead of just a young and immature companion. Kili felt his hope soar. 

Now that the company knew that Bilbo’s family was of high standings in the Shire, surely everyone would be more willing to accept him as a consort of a Durin heir. Indeed, several of the dwarves seemed a bit surprised, and while Thorin was still frowning, it had lost a lot of the intensity that it held earlier. Kili noted with smug satisfaction that Bofur seemed a bit disappointed. 

He continued to ride next to Bilbo and chatter aimlessly with him each day that followed, and Kili felt himself growing more and more attached to the hobbit. He was incredible: clever, polite, and interesting, if not a bit fussy, but he was also compassionate and an excellent story-teller. 

When they reached a farmer’s house that had been burnt down, Thorin sent Kili and Fili to watch the ponies, and Fili finally confronted his brother. He'd been biding his time until they could be alone long enough to fully discuss it without being overheard. 

"Are you sure this is a good idea, Kee? He's not even a dwarf." Kili scoffed. 

"So? Since when does love have to be restricted to specific races or categories?” Fili was taken aback by the statement and gaped for a moment. 

"Love?" He finally managed out quietly, hoping that he had heard wrong. 

Kili froze. Oops. He had said that. He hadn't meant to, but it just came out, and he realized that it was true. He did love Bilbo. It didn't matter that they had only met not long ago, because Kili felt like he had known Bilbo his entire life. He felt more comfortable with him than anyone else, save for Fili. When he was with Bilbo, he felt at home. He nodded quietly in response, and Fili seemed to consider him before sighing. 

"Well, then I hope he will return your feelings." Dwarves only ever loved once, and it scared Fili that his brother had found his one so quickly and in a hobbit no less. His little brother had always let his emotions rule him. He felt things so strongly that it was as if his very soul was feeling them. If Bilbo rejected him, Kili would be devastated, and Fili was terrified that there would be nothing he could do to make it better. 

They heard a noise and were startled back into reality. They were supposed to be watching the ponies. They darted toward them and realized two were missing. Uh oh. That was not good. 

Bilbo approached them shortly after, and they were both embarrassed by how they had been distracted from their job and lost two ponies in the process. They saw a glimpse of something nearby, and they crouched behind a tree trunk to get a better view. Bilbo crouched between them and put his hand on Fili’s arm when he asked what the creatures were, and Kili saw red. He felt a stab to his heart, and he muttered out an angry “trolls” before darting forward. 

He was ashamed to admit that it was his jealousy and hurt feelings that made him pressure Bilbo into saving the ponies by himself. He saw Fili frown in disapproval at his suggestion, but he didn’t argue with him. As Bilbo set off in the direction of the trolls, Kili instantly felt guilty and sent Fili back to get the rest of the company while he stayed behind. It was Kili’s fault that Bilbo was in trouble in the first place, and he was going to be the one that went charging in and rescued him. 

He was more than a little thrilled when the troll threw Bilbo at him and Kili caught him, falling to the floor. If it had been under different circumstances, Kili would have been glad to just stay there and hold the hobbit. As it was, they had to fight the stupid trolls and Kili had to prove himself to Bilbo. When he saw the trolls holding their burglar, his heart stopped and he felt like he couldn’t breathe. This couldn’t be happening. He wanted to do something, anything, but then Thorin put his sword down and Kili had no choice but to angrily follow suit. He was angry at himself for not being able to protect Bilbo and letting his stupid jealousy put his love in danger. 

But then Bilbo made the comment about how the dwarves all smelled, and Kili was more than a little offended as he tried to sniff himself. Then, when the hobbit said that the trolls should skin them first, he was outraged. How could Bilbo do that to him? To them, whatever. He felt betrayed, and the feeling only worsened when Bilbo said they were infected with parasites. He started to protest loudly, and he immaturely accused Bilbo of having parasites until Thorin kicked him. 

Realization dawned on him, and he felt a surge of pride and relief at Bilbo’s actions. He started spouting nonsense about having the biggest parasites of all to support the hobbit’s attempt to save them. When Gandalf showed up only a few moments later and turned the trolls to stone, Kili smiled at Bilbo with admiration and happiness. His hobbit had saved them. He was certainly full of surprises. He was the first to hug Bilbo when they were all free of their bags and binds, and Kili had to force himself not to melt into the embrace that he desperately wanted to stay in forever. 

When Bofur hugged Bilbo next, Kili was once again struck with a wave of jealousy. He had never been as jealous as he was with Bilbo, but he knew that his father had been the same way with his mother. All of the dwarves were with their ones. When Bofur began to walk away, Kili “accidentally” stuck his foot out and tried to trip the toymaker. Bofur merely stumbled and acknowledged Kili with a raised eyebrow and a knowing look. Kili looked away in embarrassment. 

When everyone else went inside the trolls’ cave to see what treasures were within, Kili stayed outside by the hobbit. Bilbo was all the treasure that he needed. 

Then, while they were being chased by the orcs and wargs, he tried to stay as close to Bilbo as possible, terrified for his safety and having the overwhelming need to protect him. When a warg crouched on the rock above where they were hiding, Kili took his chance to prove himself again and shot the animal. They were outnumbered, but he refused to back down until Thorin called him back to the hidden tunnel. 

Seeing Bilbo safe and unharmed, he let out a breath of relief that he hadn’t even realized he’d been holding in. That was when he decided to court their burglar. It was fast, but he knew what he was feeling was real, and they were on a dangerous quest. Every moment mattered and any day could be their last one. He needed to say how he felt before it was too late. 

As they reached Rivendell, Kili was just as mesmerized as Bilbo, but for a different reason. The hobbit’s face shown with awe, wonder and excitement, and Kili was struck by the beauty of it. He was so happy to see the smile on Bilbo’s face after all the danger they had just faced that Kili was only slightly annoyed that it was a home of elves that put it there instead of him. 

When he walked over to Bilbo to offer him his dagger later that night, he could feel his hands trembling and hear his heart pounding in his ears. Fili had tried to talk him out of it, because he feared it was too soon and Bilbo wouldn’t accept, but Kili was not going to change his mind; he had to try. They were in a safe place for the next fortnight, and Bilbo was relaxed and content. They could spend time together and enjoy their courtship without worrying about danger being around every corner -at least until they left Rivendell. Who knew when they would get this opportunity again? No, this couldn’t wait. It was now or never. 

He could feel everyone’s eyes on him, but all he could focus on was Bilbo’s face. He didn’t seem disgusted, so that was a good sign, but fear was taking over Kili so strongly that he felt light headed. His heart was racing so fast that he thought he might pass out. What if Bilbo rejected him? He knew it was a very realistic possibility, but he didn’t know what he would do then. He would surely die from a broken heart. 

When Bilbo accepted it and smiled at him, Kili thought his heart would explode from joy. He couldn’t stop smiling and as he walked away, he felt like he was floating. He sat down next to Fili, and everyone started whispering as his brother leaned towards him. 

“Congratulations, Kee!” Kili beamed happily and looked over at Bilbo, blushing when he met his eyes. 

They made their way to dinner, and Kili couldn’t keep his eyes off the hobbit. This was fantastic. He didn’t even care that the food was all green and there was no mead. He was so overjoyed that he started throwing food eagerly when Bofur began singing. He grinned happily in Bilbo’s direction at the end of the song, but his smile instantly vanished when he realized that Bilbo was frowning. He was not amused with their antics, and Kili shrunk back. 

When they went back into the room, Fili and he sat down next to each other. The blonde was sharpening his dagger as Kili wondered aloud, “I wonder when he’ll braid my hair. I hope tomorrow, but I will understand if it’s the day after. Although, I do hope it’s not after three days!” Fili nodded absentmindedly as the younger dwarf went on. 

Then, Bilbo approached them looking very nervous, and Kili stopped talking immediately. His heart was pounding and his palms were starting to sweat. What was going on? Was Bilbo going to change his mind? It was illegal for dwarves to back out of a courtship once they had accepted it, but Bilbo was a hobbit. What if the rules were different for him? Was this because of dinner? Kili felt like he couldn’t breathe. 

Then Bilbo asked to braid his hair, and he was too stunned to think for a second. When the words finally sunk in, he felt so happy that he could cry. He nodded eagerly and smiled, and as Bilbo braided his hair, Kili felt like he was flying. Mahal was on his side. He had only dared to hope that Bilbo would braid his hair tomorrow. He never in a million years thought he would do it before then. He couldn’t believe that Bilbo felt the same way as he did, despite how fast this was happening. 

When Bilbo thanked him, Kili wanted so badly to kiss him, but he knew it wasn’t appropriate yet. Everyone spoke loudly in Khuzdul after that and Fili flashed him a relieved smile. 

“Wow, already! I can’t believe he did it so soon. He must have really fallen for you too.” Kili grinned happily and bit his lip. It felt like a dream come true. When Fili looked at the bead, his grin widened. 

“And he used an emerald bead.” Kili gasped. He hadn’t seen the bead when Bilbo put it in, but gems were very important to dwarves. Emerald was a sign of love and romance. 

Kili thought he could die from happiness until Thorin ordered poor Bilbo out of the room, and Kili watched him go nervously. He really hoped that his uncle wouldn’t hurt his intended. He almost followed them, but Fili held him back and shook his head. When Thorin came back without Bilbo, Kili jumped up. 

“Where is he? What did you do to him?!” He demanded. Thorin got an annoyed, although slightly amused, expression on his face and shook his head. 

“Nothing. He is still in the hall. I saw Gandalf walking towards him, so he is probably catching the wizard up on everything that has happened.” Feeling relieved, Kili went back to grinning like an idiot as he prepared for bed. 

As more and more time passed though, he was growing increasingly worried. Fili could sense it, and he gave his shoulder a reassuring squeeze. “He’ll be back soon. I’m sure he and Gandalf are just discussing the courtship.” Kili nodded and climbed into bed as everyone else fell asleep. 

He stayed awake, eyes fixed on the door and waiting for Bilbo to return so that Kili knew he was safe. He couldn’t wait to start their courtship and what he hoped would be the beginning of the rest of their lives together.


	3. And So It Begins

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As the courtship continues, Bilbo sends Kili mixed messages and his own self-doubt starts to seep in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow. Once again, I was blown away by the feedback and encouragement from the last chapter. Thank you guys so much! A few notes for this chapter:   
> +The dwarves are prude. Yea, sorry… I couldn’t help it. It’s a kink of mine.   
> +Bofur is not a jerk; he’s just loyal to Bilbo because they’ve grown close during the journey, and he and the Durins have never been very close.   
> +You will find out more of the backstory of Bilbo’s parents eventually, so in case you felt like you missed something, you didn’t. I left it out on purpose.   
> +Comments are lovely and make my day! <3

Bilbo and Gandalf remained on the balcony even as the night air grew colder. They sat on a bench and pulled out their pipes. They smoked in silence for a few minutes, taking turns blowing smoke rings. The pipe-weed had relaxed Bilbo to the point that he was no longer in danger of having a panic attack, but he was still disconcerted. He sighed deeply. 

“So what’s the next step after the dagger and braiding?” Gandalf blew out a puff of smoke that looked like a sailing ship, and Bilbo was envious of the talent. 

“The next step is to become familiar with one another’s families. Usually, you would take turns spending time with each family respectively, but since you have no family on this quest, you will be expected to spend most of your time with Kili’s; eating meals with them, sitting by them, walking with them during the journey, those sort of things. It’s important to become close with your future in-laws.” 

Bilbo nodded and inhaled from his pipe again. He didn’t mind spending time with Fili, but Thorin was another story. The king had done nothing but insult and degrade him since the first night they met when he called Bilbo a grocer. He was not looking forward to spending any extra time with him. 

“But I usually walk by Bofur,” he stated. Surely being courted didn’t have to change his friendships. Gandalf turned to look at him seriously. 

“Dwarves are a very jealous race, Bilbo. It is not wise for you to spend too much time with any of the other dwarves.” He paused before adding, “or elves.” Bilbo spluttered.

“But, that’s, that’s ridiculous!” He wasn’t going to let someone tell him who he could or couldn’t spend time with; courtship be damned. Gandalf sighed. 

“Well, at least try to be around the others less then, and when you do spend time with them, it is important to reaffirm your feelings for Kili. Typically you would squeeze his hand before you leave as a sign that you acknowledge your courtship. Then, when you return, you would kiss Kili’s forehead or cheek to signify that your feelings haven’t changed.” 

Bilbo rubbed his temples at the insanity of it all. Were dwarves really that insecure that they needed constant reassurance? He couldn’t imagine these tough, hardened warriors feeling so much self-doubt, but that’s exactly what Gandalf was telling him. 

He inhaled deeply and held the smoke in his lungs for a moment. A thought occurred to him, and he choked on it. His throat burned as his eyes began to water. Gandalf frowned and patted him on the back while he coughed. When he could finally breathe again, his eyes were wide. 

“Do I have to have sex with him!?” Granted, the idea wasn’t altogether a bad thought. Kili was certainly handsome enough, and Bilbo was sure that it wouldn’t be a chore to sleep with him, but the idea that he _had_ to have sex with anyone was more than a little unsettling. Gandalf laughed and shook his head.

“Oh, no, my dear boy. Quite the opposite in fact. Dwarves hold sex in the highest regard. It is only done after you are betrothed or married. To do so beforehand would be quite scandalous. Any sort of sexual activities are strictly prohibited by the dwarves until the courtship is complete. It is very common for dwarves to cuddle together though, but nothing sexual takes place. It is just a bonding experience. It gives intimacy without being inappropriate or disrespectful to the other. The most that you can do during a courtship is kiss the other’s forehead or cheek.” 

Bilbo furrowed his brows. Did that mean that all of the unmarried dwarves in the company were virgins? He definitely could not imagine that. It was preposterous. Perhaps Gandalf was only referring to the olden days and didn’t realize that things had changed. 

None of the dwarves ever talked about sex, but he just assumed they were being polite. Now he wasn’t so sure. He knew it would be rude to ask any of them, but he was curious. He would have to ask Bofur. The toymaker was pretty open about everything and not easily offended. 

Regardless, it was probably better this way, though truthfully, a part of Bilbo was disappointed. He huffed in annoyance at himself. He had just been complaining about having to have sex with Kili, and now he was disappointed that he didn’t get to. What was wrong with him? He must be losing his mind. He tried to shake the thoughts away. 

“But surely you can kiss on the mouth?” That was simple and innocent enough. It had to be. Yet Gandalf still shook his head. 

“Most certainly not. That is only intended for your betrothed or married partner. If you kiss the person you are being courted by on the lips, it signifies that you are willing to forgo the rest of the courtship and skip to the proposal. It is a sign that you already know that you will say yes. The actual proposal is really just a formality at that point.” 

Bilbo gaped. That was a lot to take away from a simple kiss. He shook his head. Dwarves were so confusing. They could bang their heads against each other and barge into people’s homes with little to no manners, yet they couldn’t even kiss one another unless they were ready for marriage. What kind of nonsense was that? 

“Is there anything else that I shouldn’t do? Things that will accidentally signal my undying love or something,” he shot out bitterly, but Gandalf simply ignored the tone of his voice. 

“No, I think that is about it.” Bilbo nodded but then frowned. 

“Wait, you think?!” The last thing he needed was more misunderstandings! Gandalf chuckled. 

“You will be fine, Bilbo. Don’t worry so much. Enjoy the experience. You’ve been a bachelor for so long; I daresay you’ve forgotten what it’s like to date.” Bilbo had to admit that the wizard had a point. He used to enjoy dating quite well, but it was always casual; never anything as formal as a courtship. 

He hadn’t been entirely truthful when Kili asked him why he wasn’t married yet. It was true that part of the reason was because most of the hobbits were only interested in him for his money, but more than that, it was because he was scared. He always liked the idea of marriage; of having someone to love and to hold; someone that would stand by your side and support you for better or worse. 

The idea of it was great, but the reality was something else entirely. It was unpredictable, ugly and painful. After what he saw his parents go through, he wasn’t sure he could ever do it. He resigned himself to living as a bachelor. It was better than the alternative, should his marriage turn out like his mother and fathers’; but the truth was, and he tried very desperately to push these feeling aside, he always felt like there was something missing. 

He had friends, but it wasn’t the same. He was lonely. That was part of why he had agreed to go on this quest in the first place. But he didn’t want to fall for Kili. The dwarf was great, truly he was, but he was so young. Bilbo was afraid that he would hurt him, or that a relationship with him would break Kili down until he was just a shell of his former self. He would never do that on purpose, of course, but it happened; he’d seen it firsthand. 

Even if Bilbo and Kili were happy together, there would always be one of them making sacrifices. Kili’s life was supposed to be in Erebor, and Bilbo’s was in the shire. One of them would have to give up their home, their friends, and their family for the other, and it would cause resentment. That poison would fester for a while before it spread to every part of the relationship and made it toxic, and Bilbo couldn’t do that to Kili. 

He sighed and finally gave into his exhaustion. He bid Gandalf goodnight and made his way back into the room. He was relieved that everyone was already asleep. He didn’t think he could handle talking anymore tonight. He felt emotionally and physically drained, and he just wanted to sleep. 

As he climbed into bed, he heard a rustling of sheets and saw a shadow move to stand by his bed. He blinked as his eyes adjusted to the dark and focused on the figure in front of him. It was Kili. It was hard to make out his expression, but Bilbo could see that he was fidgeting with his hands. 

Kili had been waiting for Bilbo to return, and when he saw the hobbit climb into bed, he swallowed and mustered up as much courage as he could to walk over there. “Um, I was wondering. Could I sleep here tonight?” He whispered, and Bilbo could clearly hear the nervousness in it. 

The dwarf knew it was a long shot for Bilbo to agree since it was only the first night of their courtship, but the hobbit had braided his hair already and put an emerald bead in it, so he dared to hope. He just wanted to hold Bilbo and be held by him. When Bilbo didn’t answer though, he felt his hopes dashed, and he looked down in sorrow. He should have known better. Things were going so well, and now he’d just screwed it up by being too forward. 

Bilbo was slightly taken aback by the question, and he briefly wondered if Gandalf had been completely wrong about the no-sex idea. Then he realized that Kili probably hadn’t meant it in that way since there were twelve other dwarves in the room. He’d been with a few wild partners in his time, but he was fairly certain that even they would have blushed at the idea of something so public. 

He recalled Gandalf mentioning that dwarves usually cuddled during the courtship, and he figured that was what Kili meant by his question. He realized that he hadn’t answered when Kili hung his head dejectedly and began to turn away. 

“Sorry. I shouldn’t have asked.” He sounded so sad and disappointed that Bilbo found himself grabbing the dwarf’s wrist and pulling him back. 

“No, sorry. I was just a little surprised.” Kili looked up hopefully, and Bilbo swallowed. What was he doing? He should just say no. He should tell Kili that he wasn’t comfortable with that. Instead he found himself scooting over and motioning to the place next to him on the bed in invitation. 

Kili didn’t need to be offered twice, and he instantly crawled under the covers, scooting as close to Bilbo as possible. The bed was so small that they were practically squished together, and Bilbo was fairly certain he would fall off at some point during the night. 

Kili curled up into his side and rested his head on the hobbit’s chest, snuggling happily into the other’s body. He inhaled Bilbo’s scent and relished in the feel of the hobbit’s arms around him. He could hear Bilbo’s heart beating and feel the rise and fall of his chest as he breathed in and out. This was perfection. He wanted to do this every night for the rest of his life. 

Bilbo could feel the smile on the dwarf’s lips. He blinked and stared at the ceiling, inwardly sighing. So much for pushing Kili away. It was so hard to disappoint the dwarf. He was too tired to even be annoyed at himself for being so weak. He resolved to deal with it the next day, and he let himself fall asleep, oddly comfortable in the embrace of the dwarf next to him. 

He woke up to a pair of soft lips against his forehead and a warm body pressed against his side. His eyes fluttered open to see Kili staring up at him shyly with a light blush on his cheeks. 

"Good morning." The dwarf smiled at him, and Bilbo had to blink a few times to remember why on earth Kili was in his bed. When he did remember, he felt the panic threaten to spill over again as his heart beat faster in anxiety. He forced a smile, reminding himself to breathe to calm himself. 

"Good morning." Kili looked at him hopefully, and Bilbo realized that he was waiting to see if Bilbo would kiss his forehead back. He couldn’t bring himself to do it though. He didn’t want to lead him on any more than he already unintentionally had. 

"Erm, I need to, uh, relieve myself." He pulled out of the dwarf's embrace, pointedly ignoring the disappointed look on his face and the guilt that it created inside him. 

Kili curled his body around the pillow, breathing in the scent of Bilbo that still lingered there. He hadn't meant for Bilbo to wake up when he kissed his forehead. He just couldn't help himself. He woke up next to the hobbit, and he felt a surge of love. He watched him sleep for some time, memorizing every detail of his face. 

He took in the peaceful expression on his face and the way his hair was tousled, and he couldn’t help but lean forward and press a kiss to his forehead. He hadn’t meant for Bilbo to wake up, but when he did, Kili smiled sheepishly at him, hoping that he would return the gesture. He was disappointed when he didn't, but he refused to let it dampen his spirits. 

Bilbo had just cuddled with him all night, and that definitely counted for something, so perhaps he just wasn't much of a morning person. Kili usually wasn't either, but he was so happy to wake up next to Bilbo that he temporarily forgot his dislike of waking up early. He watched the other pull on his vest and coat. He had been hoping that Bilbo would join him in bed again, and they could laze about and cuddle all morning, but it seemed the hobbit had other ideas. 

Bilbo avoided Kili's gaze as he dressed. When he was about to leave for breakfast, he hesitated, remembering Gandalf's words about eating his meals with Kili's family. Thorin was already awake, but Fili was still fast asleep and snoring lightly. He was already starving, so he definitely did not want to wait for the blonde to wake up. Hobbits were used to eating often and even traveling with the dwarves had not changed his eating habits. 

As if on cue, his stomach growled loudly. Thorin glanced up at him and raised an eyebrow, as if mocking him for not being able to eat until they did, and Bilbo wanted to throttle him. He really was a jerk. He could not picture having him as an uncle-in-law. He shuddered at the thought. 

Kili was content to sleep all day, but when he heard Bilbo's stomach growl, he remembered that hobbits ate more often than dwarves did, and he felt guilty that he was keeping Bilbo from his breakfast. He pushed himself off the bed and pulled his own coat on. He would go eat with him, and Thorin and Fili could eat later. 

As Kili finished dressing and flashed the hobbit a smile, Bilbo returned it with a grateful one of his own. He knew that the dwarf was usually a late sleeper like his brother when they had the chance, so he really did appreciate that he was willing to get up just so Bilbo could eat. His gratefulness just served to fill him with even more guilt. Kili was so sweet, and Bilbo was only going to hurt him. It wasn’t fair. 

As they walked to breakfast, Kili wanted desperately to take Bilbo's hand in his own, but he didn't push his luck. After the kiss that morning, he didn't want to come on too strong, but he longed to feel their fingers interlace and walk into breakfast as a couple. The jealous part of his mind wanted to show everyone that Bilbo was his, and the other dwarves and elves needed to keep their dirty hands off of him. 

Gloin, Balin, Bombur, Ori and Dori were already at the table when the two joined them, piling their plates with food. Gloin started to talk about his wife and son, and Kili tuned him out. He focused on eating his food with his sleep-muddled brain. Bilbo listened politely and with genuine interest though, and after breakfast, he excused himself as he escaped down the halls of Rivendell. Gandalf said he said he had to eat and sit with Kili's family; he didn't say he had to spend every waking minute with them. 

Kili watched him go with a frown but said nothing. He tried to shrug off the worry that was steadily growing inside him, and he berated himself for being so insecure. Bilbo had made a declaration of love last night, and Kili needed to trust that; to trust him. Perhaps Bilbo just wanted to do something that he knew Kili wouldn't enjoy, like exploring the library. Yes, that was it. Bilbo was just sparing him the boredom. 

As Bilbo wondered around Rivendell, he found himself lost in its beauty, and his heart felt lighter. He didn’t think about anything besides the way the waterfall fell over the side of the valley and the delicate array of flowers that adorned the outside of every building. He loved nature and being outside. It made him feel at one with the world and a sense of calmness seeped into his very soul. 

When he finally returned to the room, his spirits were much brighter. He saw Kili sitting by Fili and Thorin. He paused, and then sat down in the empty space next to the dark-haired dwarf. Unfortunately, this meant that Thorin was sitting on his other side. Bilbo could feel the disapproval pulsing off the king in waves, and it made him feel tense. 

They sat in silence as the three Durins polished their blades. Bilbo just watched, shifting and fidgeting restlessly. The three dwarves seemed perfectly comfortable with the silence, but it unnerved him. He saw Bofur across the room. His first instinct was to walk over there as he felt far more comfortable with the toymaker than with the three he was currently sitting by. He hesitated when remembered what Gandalf said about talking to other dwarves. 

He let his mind ponder over the possibility that this was a way to get Kili to end the courtship. If Bilbo made the younger dwarf jealous and was inadequate at reassuring him, then surely Kili would get tired of it and realize that he deserved better. With that thought in mind, he stood up without so much as brushing Kili's hand and walked toward the other dwarf, pointedly ignoring the three pairs of eyes that followed him. 

Bofur smiled when he saw Bilbo approach him, and the hobbit returned it happily. Finally, something that wasn't complicated and didn’t feel forced. "Bofur," he greeted. If the toymaker noticed the three Durins’ gaze on them, he didn't say anything. They chatted comfortably and Bilbo started to relax, temporarily forgetting all about the courtship, if only for a moment. He didn’t ask about the sex topic yet though. He would save that for another day. 

Kili watched Bilbo talk with Bofur, smiling and laughing, and his stomach tied in knots. He hadn't even acknowledged Kili before he went over there. Did that mean that Bilbo liked Bofur more than him? What if he wished that Bofur was the one that was courting him and regretted accepting Kili’s offer? Bifur and Bombur joined in their conversation, and despite not understanding a word that Bifur said, Bilbo still seemed perfectly content with the brothers. 

He hadn't been nearly that comfortable with Kili and his family, the younger dwarf noticed with jealousy. He felt an intense resentment towards Bofur. Why was he always getting in between Kili and Bilbo? The younger dwarf was starting to think that he was doing it on purpose. And yet, Bilbo was the one that walked over to him this time. His chest felt heavy as his eyes never left the group. When Bofur ruffled Bilbo's hair affectionately and the hobbit's grin widened in response, Kili felt like he was going to throw up. 

When Bilbo finally made his way back to them, Kili watched him anxiously, silently pleading with Mahal that Bilbo would do something to show that he still cared for him. When Bilbo sat down without so much as a second glance, Kili's heart sank. Bilbo braided his hair last night as a declaration of love, and now this. How had everything gone downhill so quickly? Was it because of his kiss this morning? Had he come on too strong? 

He berated himself for already managing to mess everything up. Had Bilbo's feelings really changed that easily? Maybe that meant that his love had never been real in the first place; just an illusion that Bilbo thought he felt. The thought made Kili feel like his world was crumbling. He looked down at his feet and tried to blink back the tears that were threatening to spill. He felt so high on happiness last night, and now he felt as low as dirt. 

Bilbo had reluctantly made his way back to the trio as they all watched him expectedly and sat down without a word. He could feel Thorin glare angrily at him, while Fili just looked troubled and kept glancing between him and Kili with worry. He saw how Kili's face fell, and he looked so sad and heartbroken that Bilbo felt his heart lurch. 

The dwarf looked down, and Bilbo could see his eyes glistening with unshed tears. Guilt spread through his body like wildfire. He felt like the biggest jerk in the world. He might as well have kicked a puppy. He couldn't bear to watch Kili look so upset, and his resolve quickly crumbled. He leaned in and pressed a quick peck to other’s cheek. Kili's head snapped up at the action, and Bilbo offered him a small smile. 

The look of relief and happiness that spread across his face made Bilbo inwardly sigh. This was going to be harder than he thought. He hated the idea of hurting Kili. He may be a good warrior, but he was still so innocent and naive, and Bilbo's instincts were screaming at him to protect the young dwarf. But how was he supposed to protect Kili from himself? Kili deserved better than this; he deserved better than him. 

Kili felt the lips press against his cheek, and he looked up in shock. When Bilbo smiled at him, it was like his entire body filled with a warmth that reminded him of the sun. The relief rushed through him like a gust of wind, and he grinned happily in return. Bilbo reassured Kili, and it didn't matter that it had taken him a few moments to do it. He showed that his feelings hadn't changed, and that was all that mattered. Fili's expression melted into one of relief at the action, and Thorin's grip on his sword relaxed a little. 

Bofur watched the exchange with raised eyebrows. He saw Bilbo's hesitation, and then what looked like resignation and a bit of sadness as he kissed Kili’s cheek. That wasn't the type of behavior or emotions that you would expect from someone who just proclaimed their love the night before. Something wasn't right here, and Bofur was going to find out exactly what it was.


	4. Revelations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bilbo and Kili talk about their families with some surprising revelations.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys so much for all the comments, kudos and bookmarks to this story! It makes me so happy and flattered to see that. I’m sorry it took so long to update, but I’ve been really sick, so it was difficult for me to write anything. I’m still sick, so that’s my excuse if this chapter sucks, but at least I’m doing better than I was.  
> +There are mentions of mpreg in this chapter, but there’s not actually going to be any mpreg in the story, so hopefully this doesn’t turn anyone off!   
> +Comments are always lovely <3

Bilbo’s kiss on his cheek had restored Kili’s hope, and he was ready to start the next phase of their courtship. Now it was time to really get to know each other’s families. Kili felt that it was unfair that Bilbo was spending all his time with the Durins when the dwarf had never even met the hobbit’s family, but unfortunately, they didn’t have much of a choice. 

The quest wouldn’t be over for many months, so meeting Bilbo’s family was simply not feasible at the present moment. Kili would have to settle for hearing stories about them and learning everything he could before he finally met them in person. 

"Would you tell me about your family, Bilbo?" The hobbit blinked up at him, stirred out of his own thoughts. 

“What do you want to know?" Kili smiled and shrugged. 

"Everything. How many siblings do you have? What are your parents like? I want to know anything you want to tell me." Bilbo swallowed. He knew he would have to discuss his family eventually, but it wasn’t the nicest of topics for him. 

"I don't have any siblings and my parents are dead." When he saw the look of absolute horror on Kili's face, he quickly added, "but I have a bunch of aunts and uncles and cousins. Too many, I should say, for some of them are quite annoying." He was referring to his Sackville-Baggins relatives of course. 

Fili looked surprised as he opened and closed his mouth, seemingly unaware of how to respond, and Thorin was looking at him with something akin to understanding. The king still had his characteristic scowl, but his eyes seemed softer, as if he hated Bilbo just a little less at that moment. Kili’s expression was remorseful, and he felt terrible for the hobbit. 

Now that he thought about it, he remembered that Bilbo had already mentioned that his parents had passed, but Kili had been so focused on everything else he was saying at the time that the words hadn’t really registered in his mind. He felt incredibly guilty for not picking up on it earlier, and bringing it up again now. What kind of a suitor was he? Judging from the reactions of his brother and uncle though, he wasn’t the only one that had missed Bilbo’s previous comment. 

The younger dwarf knew what it was like to lose someone you love. He had lost his father and a few other relatives, but he still had his mother and Fili, and his uncle had been like a father to him. Bilbo said he had uncles, aunts, and cousins, but it didn't seem like he had anyone that he was really close to. He could have all the extended family in the world, and yet still be alone. 

“I'm sorry," he said quietly. "I lost my father too. He died in battle when I was young. Thorin stepped in and helped my mother raise me and Fili." Bilbo looked at him in surprise. He was used to the loud and energetic side of Kili; he'd never seen the softer, vulnerable side of him. It made him seem older than he was, and Bilbo felt an ache in his heart at the idea of Kili’s innocence and youth being ripped away by war and loss. 

He glanced at Thorin and saw that the king was looking at Fili and Kili with an expression of nostalgia and fondness. He didn't seem so intimidating like that; in fact, he seemed almost gentle, and Bilbo realized that maybe his cold demeanor was just a self-defense mechanism. Perhaps he hadn’t given the Durins enough credit before getting to know them. 

"I'm sorry," he echoed Kili's words. The dwarf gave him a small, sad smile in return. They fell into silence once again, but Bilbo was surprised to find that this time, it didn't feel so uncomfortable. 

After lunch, which consisted of more green food, much to Bilbo’s delight and the dwarves’ annoyance, Kili had apologetically told him that he needed to practice his archery. Bilbo smiled and gave him a nonchalant wave, telling him that he was more than happy to explore the library. Kili seemed relieved at this, but Bilbo wasn’t sure if it was because the dwarf didn’t have to feel guilty about not spending time with him or because Kili didn’t have any desire to see the library himself. 

Bilbo spent hours exploring some of the old text, and yet, it was nowhere near enough time. He resolved to come back the next day and as much as possible before the left Rivendell. Yet even if he spent every hour of the day in here until they left, he still wouldn’t even put a dent in the literature. He swore to himself to return someday after the quest was over, should he survive. Some of the books were in languages that he didn’t understand, but most of them were in Westron or Sindarin. 

Dinner passed uneventfully. Although the dwarves were still rather rude to their hosts, it wasn’t nearly as bad as the previous night, and Bilbo was pleased and grateful when Kili refrained from being impolite. 

As the sun began to set, the dwarves sat comfortably around the fire on their balcony. Bilbo took his place near the three Durins as he marveled at how beautiful the moon looked in the dark night sky. It was like a beacon of light that cast a soft, protective glow on the world below. 

Kili loved how content and peaceful Bilbo looked at that moment, and the moon made his pale skin seem ethereal. He didn’t want to interrupt his personal musings, but he wanted to resume their earlier conversation. He still wanted to learn everything there was to know about Bilbo and his life. 

“Can you tell me what your parents were like?” He asked this quietly, because although he genuinely wanted to know about Bilbo’s family, it wasn’t his intention to reopen old wounds and make the hobbit feel sad. 

Bilbo swallowed hard. He loved his parents, but there were a lot of things that he just wasn’t ready to talk about yet. It was nothing against Kili, but Bilbo had never talked to anyone about it. Gandalf seemed to know, but that wasn’t surprising. The wizard always managed to know everything, and while this could be useful, it could also be rather annoying. Finally, Bilbo decided to just start with the basics. 

“My mother was a Took, so she was wild and adventurous. Even though most Tooks are, she was a bit extreme even to them. She would have been proud of me for coming on this quest with all of you. My father was quite the opposite. He was a respectable Baggins, after all, so he thought adventures were absurd and improper, yet he loved my mother,” he paused in remembrance. 

“He spent 3 years trying to win her affections before she finally agreed to marry him. He built her Bag End as a wedding present. He taught me how to cook and enjoy a good book from the comfort of my armchair, while my mother taught me to throw rocks and entertained me with stories of adventure and danger. She would tell me all about elves, and I used to run through the forest looking for them until it was well past dinner time.” 

He laughed fondly at the memory, but he was jogged from his nostalgia by the look of pure contempt in Thorin’s expression and the slightly offended looks on the younger dwarves’ faces. 

“Only elves? Why didn’t she ever talk about dwarves?” Fili asked calmly, but Bilbo could hear the hint of annoyance and indignation. Oops. He was so lost in his memories that he temporarily forgot how much the dwarves disliked elves. He should have known they would be offended by his mother’s love of the fairer race. 

“Well, I suppose she never met a dwarf, so she didn’t know much about them to tell me.” This seemed to placate the boys a bit, but Thorin still looked murderous. 

“So you are fascinated by the tree-huggers?” He spat out venomously, and Bilbo spluttered. For a king, he had absolutely no manners or decorum, and the hobbit was offended by the snub against elves who had been nothing but kind to their company. 

He felt the need to defend them, so he shot back, “I am fond of them, yes. They are a peaceful and kind race, and their library is evidence of how intelligent they are. I am glad that I know Sindarin so I can read most of their literature, because there are truly some remarkable books to be found there.” 

He knew that he had gone too far with his defense by the scandalized looks on their faces, as well as many others in the company who had been listening to their conversation.

“You speak the Elvish language?!” Thorin looked livid, though Bilbo was used to it by now, and Fili just looked disbelieving and upset. Kili looked absolutely heartbroken, as if Bilbo had learned Sindarin just to hurt him. Bilbo sighed and started to explain. 

“My mother taught me at a young age, so I’ve known it almost as long as I’ve known Westron. It wasn’t really something I went out of my way to learn.” He didn’t add that he probably would have learned it as an adult if his mother hadn’t already taught him. He didn’t think that piece of information was necessary or wise to say right now. 

Thorin looked at him as if he had just announced that he was Orc, and everyone else just sat in a tense silence. Kili was biting his lip nervously at this point. He was hurt and upset that Bilbo knew Sindarin and not Khuzdul, because it felt like he had a connection to the elves that he didn’t have with Kili’s race. He was already concerned by how Bilbo was so fascinated by Rivendell and the elves, and this just made his fear so much worse. 

Elves and dwarves hadn’t been fond of each other for longer than Kili had been alive, so if Bilbo spent too much time around the elves and speaking their language with them, then they might try and turn the hobbit against the dwarves’ company and against Kili. He couldn’t let that happen. An idea formed in his mind, and he was pleased by its brilliance. 

“Would you like me to teach you Khuzdul?” His brother and uncle gaped in shock, as did several others from around the fire place. They were all staring at him with wide eyes, and there was a sudden cry of outrage from Thorin and Dwalin. 

“What kind of madness is this? You want to teach our sacred language to an outsider? There is no way that I will ever live to see such a deplorable act done. I forbid it.” Thorin’s tone was harsh, but Kili held his stare defiantly. The other dwarves seemed torn about the idea. 

“Uncle, I am courting Bilbo, and it’s important for us to learn about each other’s cultures since we are from different races. What better way for Bilbo to understand us than to learn our language?” Thorin shook his head vehemently. 

“No. It is not happening, Kili, and that is final.” Kili knew it was pointless to argue with his uncle when he was like this, and he hung his head in disappointment. He just wanted Bilbo to feel more connected to them all, and then maybe he wouldn’t feel so out of place once Erebor was reclaimed. 

He chanced a glance at the hobbit, and Bilbo looked crestfallen. It looked like Bilbo had genuinely wanted to learn Khuzdul, and it strengthened Kili’s resolve. Bilbo was his one, and he had every right to learn their language. Kili would teach him in secret whether or not anyone else approved. 

Fili seemed to understand exactly what he was thinking and gave him a warning stare, but Kili just shrugged innocently, and the blonde sighed. They would talk about it later. Truthfully, Fili, as well as many of the others, didn’t mind if Bilbo learned their language. They had all grown fond of the hobbit, and he was part of the company, so why shouldn’t he learn it if he wanted to? 

Most of them were not as set in their ways as the king and his oldest friend were, and so they didn’t think it was a disgrace to teach Khuzdul to someone outside their race. Many of them actually thought it was a good idea. Most other races had negative perceptions of dwarves simply because they didn’t understand them. If the dwarves actually tried to teach them about their culture, then maybe they wouldn’t be met with so much hostility. 

Still, they wouldn’t go around telling everyone about their sacred traditions and teaching them Khuzdul, but they didn’t see why Bilbo shouldn’t be considered an exception. Regardless of their own opinions, nobody wanted to speak against the king, so they all stayed silent. 

Bilbo was surprised, and he felt honored by Kili’s offer. He knew that the dwarves were very secretive of their culture, and by offering to teach Bilbo, Kili was saying that he was one of them. He felt very humbled, but before he even had time to be excited about the prospect of learning a new language, Thorin had already dashed his hopes. 

He tried to give Kili a grateful smile when he saw the dwarf look down dejectedly, but he had a feeling that he didn’t quite succeed. Kili had meant well though, and Bilbo truly did appreciate it. The air was now tense around them, so Bilbo decided to get back on track to the original topic. 

“What about your family? Do you have any other siblings?” Kili exhaled in relief at the change of topics and smiled warmly at the hobbit. Even though getting to know each other’s families was part of the courtship, it still made Kili feel warm and fuzzy inside for Bilbo to be interested enough to ask about his. 

“No, it’s just me and Fili. I think my mother wanted to have more children, but my father passed before they were able to.” Bilbo gave him a sympathetic smile. He always wished he had siblings, and being with the company had only strengthened that feeling. 

He saw how close all of the brothers were, and he envied that. He had cousins, yes, but it was still different. He would never be as close to them as Fili and Kili were. Realizing how depressing his revelation had sounded, Kili decided to focus on Bilbo’s life again in the hopes of lightening the mood. 

“Is it common in the shire to have only one child?” Bilbo hesitated for a second, not wanting to say too much on the subject. 

“No, in fact, it’s pretty rare to only have one. My parents were just, er, different than most couples in the Shire.” _They weren’t happy_ he silently added. His mother loved him and his father, but she was never content to be a housewife and mother. She had agreed to marry Bungo because she did love him, but she was a restless spirit at heart, and she always longed to go on her adventures again. 

Bilbo and Bungo were both aware that a part of her had resented them for holding her back, so they weren’t surprised that she didn’t want more children, and his father never pressed the subject. They knew that she was just waiting for Bilbo to come of age so she could leave Bungo and go back to the way her life was before she got married; back when she was happy and carefree. She just died before she was able to. 

Kili noticed Bilbo’s hesitance on the topic and his vague answer, so he let it drop. He could tell it was an uncomfortable topic, so he didn’t want to push him. They could talk about it another time, when Bilbo was ready. Kili was about to change the subject when Thorin interjected. 

“Kili has always wanted a big family, though I suppose that’s never going to happen now.” He spat the words out venomously, and Kili and Fili’s eyes widened in horror. Kili hastily recovered and tried to reassure the hobbit. 

“It’s okay though, really! I can always have nieces and nephews. I will be perfectly fine without children!” He shot his uncle a glare, but Thorin just looked back smugly. Kili could tell the king felt proud of himself for causing trouble, and Kili wanted to smack him. He could be so immature sometimes. This was his life, and if he chose to marry a male and not have children, then that was his choice, and Thorin had no say in the matter. 

Bilbo looked at them in confusion. “Why won’t that happen now?” They all furrowed their brows at his look of innocent curiousness. Even Thorin looked taken aback by the question, and Fili cleared his throat. 

“Well, I mean, neither of you can exactly carry a child, unless, well unless you’re secretly a girl.” He looked Bilbo up and down in incredulous wonder, and Bilbo spluttered. 

“What, no, I am most certainly not a girl, thank you very much!” This conversation was getting more and more offensive and confusing. 

Fili seemed relieved by Bilbo’s statement, because while Bilbo was good-looking enough for a male, he would have been a terribly ugly female; not to mention how incredibly inappropriate it would have been to have a female on the quest with 14 other males.

“Well, then you two won’t be able to have children,” he finished matter-of-factly. Kili was quick to add in, “Not that that’s a problem, of course!” He wanted Bilbo to know that he had thought about this matter entirely, and he had accepted this before he offered to court the hobbit. He wasn’t confused about it, and he wasn’t going to change his mind. 

Bilbo sat staring at them in disbelief. So male dwarves couldn’t carry children? How odd. He knew that elves and men couldn’t, but he assumed that dwarves could because they always spoke of how few female dwarves there were. No wonder their population was dwindling. 

“Well, actually, male hobbits can bear children.” Everyone in the room froze as it became deathly silent. The entire company stared at him in shock and disbelief. It was incredibly uncomfortable, and Bilbo shifted under all the attention. Kili was sure that he hadn’t heard right. 

“Did you just say that male hobbits can get pregnant?” Bilbo nodded. 

“Of course. We're just as fertile as female hobbits. Why do you think there are so many children running around the Shire?” No one moved or made any noise as they blinked dumbly, slowly trying to process the information. 

“This is a joke, right?” Fili finally said, his eyes narrowing at the idea of being taken for a fool. Bilbo huffed in exasperation. Idiot dwarves. 

“No, I can assure you that this is not a joke. You can ask Gandalf.” The wizard was still nowhere in sight, but they could ask him at the next meal if they really didn’t believe him. 

This seemed to stir a reaction, and everyone started to talk loudly amongst themselves. They had never heard of a male getting pregnant before; it was such a strange idea. Oin and Ori were both curious about the anatomy of hobbits and how it was even scientifically possible, and they both resolved to question Bilbo thoroughly at the next available opportunity. 

Fili actually smiled, although he still looked a bit confused, but there was obvious relief on his face. He knew that his little brother had been willing to give up having his own children to be with Bilbo, but the blonde was grateful that he wouldn’t have to. Kili had always loved kids and wanted a big family, and now he wouldn’t have to sacrifice that to be with his love. 

Thorin and Dwalin had blank, unreadable looks on their faces, as if they had no idea how to react to the news, but Kili looked like he was bursting with pure joy. He could not believe it; this was too good to be true. He’d always dreamed of having children, but he thought that it was impossible when he fell in love with Bilbo. Still, he had been willing to let go of that dream in pursuit of another one; to be with his one. Love took sacrifices sometimes, but it was worth it. 

Yet by some miracle, this was one sacrifice that Kili didn’t have to make. Mahal was definitely looking out for him. He imagined a child that was half Bilbo and half him, and his heart felt like it was overflowing with happiness. He would have been thrilled just to be with Bilbo, but he was beyond ecstatic at the idea of having a family with him. 

Bilbo saw the look of pure glee on Kili’s face, and he felt the guilt surface inside him again. He’d never felt guilty as often as he had in the past two days. He was just trying to explain a fact about hobbits, but in doing so, he’d managed to lead Kili on even more. It was clear that Kili was excited about the idea of possibly having a family with him, and Bilbo felt something tug at his heart. A family; _his family_. 

He loved children, but he had always just dismissed the idea of having any because it meant he would have to get married, and he had already decided that wasn’t going to happen. He would just fill that void with his many nieces and nephews. But now that the idea had presented itself again, much against his own will, he felt an emptiness in his heart. 

He wanted the family that he never had; with two happy parents and several kids running around the house that were as close as Kili and Fili were, no matter how much they argued and fought; to wake up to the sound of children laughing and to eat together at the table; to have someone to teach to read and throw stones. It sounded divine. 

Bilbo shook his head of the thoughts. That wasn’t going to happen for him. If he tried to have a family, there was a possibility that it would end up being like his own childhood, and he couldn’t take that risk; he wouldn’t do that to a child. This was a sacrifice he would have to make. Still, it didn’t stop the sudden ache of longing in his chest.


	5. The Past and Future

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kili fantasizes about a life with Bilbo and then comforts him when old, painful memories surface.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys so much for the all the support on the last chapter and all the well-wishes for my health! I really appreciate it. Lots of notes this time:  
> +Please note the new tags. This chapter talks a lot about suicide, so beware that this may be a trigger for some people.  
> +Also, it went from fluff to angst to hurt/comfort, and then back to tooth-rotting fluff. I honestly don’t know what’s wrong with me…  
> +You guys have talked me into mpreg. It’s probably going to either be part of the epilogue or I’m going to write it in a side story/sequel, but there are also more mentions of it in this chapter too.   
> +I wasn’t sure what color eyes Bilbo is supposed to have, so I just made them green. Go with it.  
> +Unfortunately, all of my final exams for the semester are this week, so I won’t be able to update again until at least the weekend. Sorry!  
> +Comments are always much appreciated!

When everyone had settled down from the revelation that male hobbits could carry children, Kili was positively beaming. His mind started to spin with fantasies of a life with Bilbo. He imagined walking behind Bilbo and wrapping his arms around him as the hobbit melted into his touch. 

They were standing in the doorway of Bag End and watching their four children run happily around the rolling, green hills of the Shire. He would kiss Bilbo’s neck softly, and the hobbit would smile in response and sigh peacefully. The dwobbits, as they had decided to call them, were the perfect mixture of the two of them. 

The oldest boy was the most like Bilbo. His dark curls framed his face and brought out his bright emerald eyes. He had Bilbo’s smile but with rounded ears and a nose that was unmistakably Durin. He was quiet and polite but with a hidden streak of bravery. 

The next child was a girl. Her golden hair was wavy like Kili’s, and her eyes were chocolate brown, but she also had pointier ears and hairy feet. She loved to read and cook with her father, and she was much softer-spoken than her little sister. 

The younger girl had brown ringlets and green eyes with rounded ears and the unmistakable first signs of stubble on her chin. She was wild and adventurous, and also a natural archer. She was the most like Kili of them all. 

The youngest boy was the rebel of the group. He loved to scheme and pull pranks on anyone and everyone. His golden wavy hair and brown eyes made him look a lot like Fili, and his feet were hairless. They had no doubt that he would grow a beard as he aged. Still, he had the pointy ears and sarcastic wit that Bilbo had. All four of them were perfect. 

In his fantasy, Kili would miss his family, but Fili and their mother would visit the Shire nearly every year. The children had Uncle Fili and Grandma Dis wrapped around their little fingers. Fili was especially fond of the boys, and his mother positively doted on the girls since she had never had any of her own. 

Thorin could never visit since he had responsibilities in Erebor, but Bilbo, Kili and the kids would travel to the Lonely Mountain as often as possible to visit. The king would pretend to be harsh and stern with them, but as soon as Bilbo and Kili looked away, he was spoiling them rotten and meeting even their silliest demands. 

When their oldest daughter wanted him to have a tea party with her, he would politely drank his tiny cup of pretend-tea and exclaim enthusiastically that it was the best tea in the world, and she would beam up at him in response. 

During the day, Bilbo would teach all the children how to garden and cook, and Kili would teach them archery and how to defend themselves with a sword or dagger. Then at night, they would all sit together at the dinner table as a family. 

Later, Kili would listen with the children as Bilbo read them a story before bed, his soothing voice helping to calm and wind them down from the day. Once they were asleep, Bilbo and Kili would have time to themselves, and they would make love and cuddle together until the morning light peaked over the quiet hills of the Shire. 

Kili was so lost in his own his fantasy life that he didn’t realize he was staring into the fire with a huge, goofy grin on his face. He was brought back to reality when Fili nudged him, and he blushed. How strange he must have looked, and indeed, several of the other dwarves were giving him amused and curious glances. He cleared his throat to address Bilbo again.

“So how big of a family do you want?” 

Bilbo bit his lip. He had always tried not to think about something he could never have, but as soon as Kili asked the question, Bilbo instinctively knew the answer as if it had always been in the back of his mind. That thought scared him. He was balancing on the edge right now, between reality and getting lost in a hopeless dream, and he had to tread carefully. 

“I want a small family,” he said wistfully. Kili’s face fell slightly, but he cursed himself for being so greedy. He was lucky that he would even be able to have one child with Bilbo, so it was ridiculous for him to be upset about wanting more. 

Fili noticed Kili’s reaction, as he already knew that his brother wanted a big family. He knew Kili wanted to press the hobbit about it and ask how many children he wanted exactly, but he was too nervous about seeming pushy, so Fili asked for his little brother. “So how many children do you want?” He was curious himself, as were the rest of the company, it seemed, since they all looked at the hobbit expectantly. 

Bilbo stared into the fire, and he forced himself not to smile as he answered quietly, “Four.” Everyone stared at him with confusion evident on their faces.

“I thought you just said you wanted a small family?” Thorin growled out in annoyance. The hobbit wasn’t making any sense, and he didn’t have the patience for it tonight. 

Bilbo studied their faces for a minute, perplexed himself by their reaction. Was this another difference in their cultures? It seemed so, and it once again struck Bilbo how very different dwarves and hobbits were. 

“Four is a small family to hobbits.” Everyone looked startled, but it was Ori who spoke up next. 

“How many children do most hobbits have then?” Bilbo shrugged. 

“Well, most hobbits have about seven or eight children, but it’s not uncommon to have a dozen or so.” Everyone gaped at him and began to splutter unintelligibly. There were several cries around the room of “a dozen?!”, and a few of them looked as if they were going to piss themselves. Bilbo had to resist the urge to laugh; he had a feeling they wouldn’t take too kindly to that, so instead, he changed the topic. 

“How many children do most dwarves have then?” It took a moment for them to answer, slowly coming down from their shock at his revelation, but Dori finally responded. 

“Many dwarves never have children at all, but the ones that do usually have one or two. It is incredibly rare for anyone to have more than four.” Bilbo nodded thoughtfully. He wondered if dwarves purposely only had a few children or if they simply weren’t as fertile as hobbits, but he didn’t want to offend them by asking. He decided on a safer question. 

“How many children do you want, Kili?” Kili had been stunned into silence by Bilbo’s earlier remark, but now that he was brought back to reality, he grinned widely. 

He was trying to stay calm and composed, but he was failing miserably and practically bouncing up and down in his seat. He couldn’t help it. He was sure that he could die from happiness. His mind was fuzzy as his body filled with warmth that spread from his head to the tips of his fingers and toes. This couldn’t be more perfect. “Four,” he said happily.

Bilbo started for a moment. He considered Kili’s face for a moment to see if he was lying, but he saw nothing but sincerity. His heart skipped a beat for a second, and he had to take a calming breath. Why did Kili have to be so perfect? He was making it very difficult for Bilbo to stay strong and not fall for him. He couldn’t let himself fall over the edge. He was terrified of what would happen if he did.

Kili reminded him a lot of his mother; energetic, enthusiastic, adventurous, and so full of life, and all of his life, everyone told Bilbo that he was exactly like his father. What if he took the plunge into a relationship with Kili and things turned out as badly as they had for his parents? What if they were miserable together, but Bilbo was too weak to let Kili go once he had completely fallen for him?

He gulped, filling with dread at the image of their four children walking in the door to find a lifeless Kili on the floor with his wrists sliced and lying in a pool of his own blood; and then his mind flashed with the memories that he tried so hard to bury of his mother in the same position and his father leaning over her, sobbing uncontrollably and praying frantically to the Valar to save her. 

He tried to blink back the tears that were forming, but it was no use. They started to fall as the room began spinning, and he felt like he couldn’t breathe. He gasped to try and get air into his lungs and stood up, almost falling over when his knees buckled. He tried to say something to excuse himself, but all that came out was a choked sob as he ran from the room. 

The company stared after him in shock and horror. They had no idea what just happened, but something had affected Bilbo deeply, and they were filled with worry for their friend.

Kili had been smiling until he saw Bilbo’s eyes fill with tears and his own smile vanished, his breath hitching in his throat. He wanted to ask Bilbo what was wrong, but the words seemed lodged in his throat, and before he could get them out, Bilbo was running from the room. 

The young dwarf sat frozen in shock. His mind was racing as he tried to figure out what had happened to upset the hobbit, but he was coming up blank. He looked helplessly in the way that Bilbo had gone, his mind still trying to wrap around the image of Bilbo’s face looking so crushed. 

He was pulled from his shock when Bofur stood to follow Bilbo, and Kili instantly jumped up and put his hand up to stay the toymaker. Bofur stopped and looked at Kili expectedly. They didn’t have time to argue about this. He really couldn’t care less about who comforted Bilbo as long as someone made sure that his friend was okay. Satisfied that Bofur was staying, Kili ran from the room, desperately searching for the hobbit. 

Luckily for Kili, he hadn’t made it far as he had collapsed against a pillar just down the hall. He had his legs curled up into his chest as sobs wracked his body, and he was shaking uncontrollably. Kili ran over and knelt beside him, fear and concern consuming his every thought. He put his hand on Bilbo’s shoulder.

“Bilbo, Bilbo, what’s wrong?” He knew his voice sounded scared and pleading, but he didn’t care. Bilbo just shook his head and continued sobbing, and Kili felt like his despair would swallow him whole. 

“Bilbo, please talk to me.” He was terrified, and he didn’t know what to do. The hobbit he loved was suffering, and he had no idea how to help him. He did the only thing he could and pulled Bilbo into his arms. 

Bilbo fell into the dwarf’s embrace and sobbed into his chest. He hated himself for breaking down like this, but those memories were too much for him. He couldn’t handle them. He had been so young when his mother died, but he was old enough to know what was happening. His father never spoke of it, because he just couldn’t; he wasn’t strong enough. Bilbo was so lost and even though his father was alive, he felt more alone than he ever had. 

He buried the memories so deep that he hoped they would never surface again. Whenever they started to, he pushed them down quickly, unable to cope with remembering. It may have been cowardice to avoid them instead of dealing with them head-on, but he just couldn’t do it. He had to use avoidance as a self-defense mechanism or else he would have fallen apart like his father had. 

Yet tonight, somehow, those defenses had failed. Everything had bubbled to the surface, and the onslaught of memories was too much. His tears were soaking Kili’s shirt as the dwarf rubbed soothing circles into his back and shushed him with calming words. Bilbo let his breakdown run its course until there were no more tears left to shed, and he took several breaths to steady himself. 

His mind felt light, as if a huge weight had been lifted off of it. He had been holding those tears in for so long, and he’d never even realized how much they had burdened him until that moment. He felt emotionally drained as he pulled away from Kili, shame overtaking his features.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to worry you.” He felt embarrassed by his outburst now that it was over. He was sure the dwarves would think him weak, and probably mad, since they had no idea what he was crying about, but Kili shook his head vehemently. 

“Don’t be sorry. Just talk to me. What happened? Was it because we were talking about children?” He was grasping at any idea, and that was the last thing they had talked about, but Bilbo shook his head. 

“No, I mean, yes, but not really. It’s just,” he paused and breathed deeply to steady himself. He had never said the words aloud to anyone, but he needed to; he needed someone to know. 

“It’s just that talking about family reminded me of finding my mother’s body after she killed herself.” The words felt strange on his tongue, like some foreign substance, but it wasn’t as terrible as he thought it would be. He actually felt free. 

As far as everyone in the Shire was concerned, his mother’s death was an accident. Bilbo and his father were the only ones to know the truth, but now that his father was dead, the secret was weighing heavily on him and him alone, and he wanted to get it off his chest; to stop lying and hiding a huge part of himself that had shaped him into who he was today. 

Kili looked horrified, heartbroken, and shocked all at once. He had to take a few seconds to compose himself as the tears began to sting at his own eyes. 

“I’m so sorry, Bilbo. I’m so sorry.” He was at a loss for words, so he just hugged him again, holding tightly. His head was spinning with grief. He couldn’t even imagine what it had been like for Bilbo to see that. Kili had been devastated when he lost his father, but Bilbo’s situation…it was unthinkable. He shuttered and bit his lip. 

He didn’t want to sob, because it wasn’t fair. Bilbo needed him right now, and it wouldn’t help the hobbit if Kili broke down. But oh, his poor Bilbo. No wonder he had been crying. Bilbo pulled away and gave him a sad smile, and Kili was vaguely aware that his own cheeks were soaked with his tears. 

“I’m so sorry, Bilbo. I don’t even know what to say.” The hobbit shook his head and swallowed. 

“It’s okay. You don’t have to say anything. I just, well, thank you, for listening. I’ve never told anyone that before.” Kili blinked in surprise. 

“No one?!” He asked in shock. Surely Bilbo had someone to talk to, but the other just shook his head. 

“No one. My father knew about it obviously, but everyone else in our family and the Shire just thought it was an accident, and we wanted to keep it that way. We didn’t want anybody to gossip and speak badly about her.” 

Kili’s eyes shown with sympathy. “But what about your father? Didn’t you two talk about it?” Again, Bilbo shook his head. 

“No, he was a wreck after she died. He lost himself to his ale. He couldn’t handle thinking about it, so he drank to forget. I tried to bring it up once, but he got really upset, and he drank so much that I was sure he was going to die too. After that, I never mentioned it again.” 

Kili swallowed over the lump in his throat. He couldn’t even imagine what it was like to have to hide something like that from everyone and never be able to talk about it. It must have been such a heavy burden. He realized with despair that this was the hidden pain that he had always seen in the hobbit’s eyes, even when he plastered a smile on his face. 

He felt anger slice through him at Bilbo’s father for being so selfish. Kili knew that he must have been heartbroken, but Bilbo was his son and he needed him, and his father should have been there for him. He tried to hide these emotions from his face though, not wanting to upset Bilbo even further. 

“Well, you can talk to me about it as much as you want. I’m glad you told me.” And he was. He felt honored that Bilbo had trusted him enough to confide something so private in him; something he had never told anyone before. He trusted Kili enough to open himself up and be vulnerable, and that meant more to the young dwarf than anything in the world. And now Kili could help him; he didn’t know the right things to say, but he could be there for him and listen. 

Bilbo sighed. “You don’t think any less of me?” He asked in trepidation. He had always been afraid that people would judge him when they found out, or even worse, pity him. He didn’t want any false friendships or niceties just because someone felt sorry for him. 

Kili looked completely taken aback by the question. “Why on Middle-earth would I think less of you?!” 

Bilbo bit his lip and swallowed. “Because my mother killed herself, and I have her blood in me, so maybe I’m just as crazy and weak as she was.” He said it morosely, as if he had already accepted it as his fate, but Kili shook his head vehemently. 

“No, Bilbo. I don’t care about your blood; I would never think less of you for your family. Actually, I think even more of you now that I know what you’ve been through. It just proves how strong you are.” 

Bilbo felt the relief flood through him as his body relaxed. He hadn’t even been aware of how tense he was. He had opened himself up and not been cut down. He felt vulnerable but also safe. It was something so new to him, but it felt right. 

“Thank you, Kili. You have no idea how much that means to me.” He leaned forward and placed a kiss on the dwarf’s cheek and this time, when Kili smiled, Bilbo returned it genuinely. He had never had anyone that just accepted him for who he was; ugly past and all; no judgments or expectations. It felt freeing. For the first time in a very long time, he felt truly loved, and it made his heart soar. 

Kili sat down beside the hobbit and laced their fingers together nervously, but Bilbo just returned the gesture and tightened his grip. The dwarf smiled as he leaned his head in to rest on Bilbo’s. They sat like that for what seemed like hours in a comfortable silence, before they grudgingly made their way back to the room. 

Bilbo was surprised to find that everyone was still awake at such a late hour, but all of them looked at Bilbo with worried expressions when he entered the room. Even Thorin and Dwalin seemed concerned for the hobbit. It temporarily stunned Bilbo, but when he recovered, he was truly touched that they cared enough for him to worry. 

Everyone looked concerned, but Bofur and Balin were by far the worst, followed closely by Fili. It wasn’t until that moment that he truly felt like part of the company. They cared about him, despite the fact that he was a hobbit and not a warrior, and it made him feel like he belonged. Bofur stood up. 

“You okay, Bilbo?” His eyes searched the hobbit’s imploringly, and Bilbo felt a surge of affection for his friend. He looked around at all the worried faces, and he knew he would have to tell him something. He owed them at least that after worrying them so much. 

“I’m fine. I’m sorry to worry all of you. The conversation just brought up some bad memories for me.” They all nodded and glanced around the circle. It was obvious that they were curious about what memories could have upset him so much, but no one dared to ask. 

For the second time tonight, he felt like confessing his deepest secret. He had never told anyone before today, but now that it was out, it felt like the dam had broken. He wanted it out completely; to expose himself to these dwarves and let them see the real him. 

Most of them had given him the benefit of the doubt when he joined the quest, and he wanted to return the favor now; to trust them enough to tell them something that you would tell your friends. He took a shaky breath. He couldn’t believe he was doing this, but he needed to. He needed it out in the open, once and for all. 

“I remembered finding my mother’s body after she killed herself.” He flinched at his own blunt words, but he didn’t want to have to explain it if he spoke too vaguely for them to understand.

The company’s mouths fell open in shock as a few choked sounds were made. Most of them were opening and shutting their mouths deafly, but Bofur, Balin and Fili were looking at him with so much compassion and sympathy that there was no doubt in Bilbo’s mind that they didn’t judge him for this. Ori looked close to tears, and Gloin refused to meet his eyes. 

Thorin looked at him searchingly, as if trying to ensure that he was telling the truth. Bilbo met his gaze and Thorin’s eyes softened as he looked away in shame at doubting him. He had constantly degraded and insulted the hobbit for being soft and weak and knowing nothing of sufferings of the world. He couldn’t have been more wrong. 

Balin finally broke the silence. “I’m very sorry for your loss, lad. That must have been hard.” Several of the others murmured in agreement, glad that Balin had been the one to speak up since no one else knew what to say. They had all been afraid to say the wrong thing. Bilbo gave him a warm smile, but his eyes were still shockingly bright from his earlier tears. 

“Thank you. I just wanted to tell all of you so that it was out in the open. I am truly sorry for worrying all of you.” They all looked at him fondly and sympathetically, and Bofur embraced him in a hug, followed by Balin, Fili, Dori, Ori (who choked out a sob), and Bombur. 

The rest patted him on the shoulder or back supportively, including Dwalin. Thorin was the only one who stayed seated silently, ashamed at how he had treated the hobbit and unable to meet his eyes. Kili couldn’t even bring himself to be jealous for once; Bilbo needed this. 

“We’re glad you told us,” Bofur added in, and Bilbo felt a surge of love. That was it; he loved these dwarves. He wasn’t sure when it had happened, but it had, and he knew now that he would give his life to protect any one of them. 

He had always dreamed of having a different family when he was younger, with two happy parents and a sibling or two. Now though, he realized that family wasn’t just about parents and their kids; it transcended blood and even race. The company was his family now, and he wouldn’t have it any other way. 

As he cuddled in bed with Kili shortly after and felt his exhaustion reach its peak, he realized that he didn’t need Bag End or his armchair or his books anymore, because he finally felt at home.


End file.
